The Players’ Tribune. ” data-reactid=”15″>Lamar Odom is getting extremely candid approximately his struggle with drug abuse in an emotional fresh essay for The Players’ Tribune.
near-death experience in October 2015, when he was placed in a medically induced coma after he was found unresponsive at the esteem Ranch brothel in Crystal, Nevada. Odom explains the struggles in his life that contributed to his cocaine addiction and the shocking way he hit rock bottom.” data-reactid=”16″>The 37-year-musty former NBA star opens up in his own words approximately his near-death experience in October 2015, when he was placed in a medically induced coma after he was found unresponsive at the esteem Ranch brothel in Crystal, Nevada. Odom explains the struggles in his life that contributed to his cocaine addiction and the shocking way he hit rock bottom.
“My ex-wife was there in the room with me,” he says approximately waking up from a coma. “After entire the sh** I had done, I was surprised to see her. Honestly, that’s when I knew that I was probably in sinister shape.”
WATCH: Khloe Kardashian Says She ‘Fake Tried’ to come by Pregnant With Lamar Odom — ‘I Just Kept Pretending I Was Doing It’” data-reactid=”18″>WATCH: Khloe Kardashian Says She ‘Fake Tried’ to come by Pregnant With Lamar Odom — ‘I Just Kept Pretending I Was Doing It’
Odom says that during the time main up to his medical emergency, he was doing cocaine daily.
“Pretty much every moment of free time that I had, I was doing coke,” he writes. “I couldn’t control it. I didn’t want to control it.”
“Rick James said it best. ‘Cocaine is a hell of a drug,'” he continues. “It’s a hell of a drug. It will manufacture you conclude things you never thought you’d conclude. It will turn you into a different person. It will attach you in situations where you say to yourself, ‘How the f**k did I come by here?'”
Odom dealt with trauma early in his life, losing his mother, Cathy, to colon cancer when he was 12 years musty. The athlete calls his mom the “center of the universe” and says his dad wasn’t in his life growing up because of his own problems with addiction.
“The day that she passed absent, I remember going to see her, and I remember how the cancer had just ravaged her body,” he recalls. “Like whether I could depart back to that time, and you could attach me in that room, I probably wouldn’t even recognize who she was. Her face was so small and she was bleeding out of her mouth. And she kept saying [his nickname] ‘Mookah, Mookah….'”
“I just sat right next to her bed, and one of the final things she said to me … I still contemplate approximately it every day,” he continues. “She said, ‘Be nice to everybody, Mook.’ I don’t contemplate anything can prepare you for losing your mother at 12 years musty. It leaves a imprint on you. I don’t care how strong you contemplate you are.”
Odom was then raised by his grandmother and says he tried cocaine for the first time around the time that she died — when he was 24 years musty and on vacation in Miami.
“When I did coke, I felt profitable for a minute,” he writes. “I stopped having so much anxiety. I didn’t contemplate approximately the pain. I didn’t contemplate approximately death. So I kept doing it increasingly, but I was still in control. It wasn’t like an everyday thing.”
Though his life spun out of control when his son, Jayden, died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in 2006 at just six months musty.
Yeah, that’s my dad. What’s up, Dad?'”” data-reactid=”28″>”Man, my son was vivacious,” Odom shares. “Real lively. Whenever I used to walk into a room, he would just like … scrutinize at me, and stare. Of course, he couldn’t talk, but he just used to stare. He used to exhaust his eyes a lot — let me know that he kinda understood. Like, ‘Yeah, that’s my dad. What’s up, Dad?'”
“I just seen him,” he recalls. “Gone? How the f**k is that even possible? How can he be gone?”
Odom is still grieving from the loss.
“I used to contemplate approximately what he would scrutinize like whether he was still here. Actually, I still contemplate approximately it nearly every day,” he admits. “No explanation. No answers. Just … gone. Like that. And you’re supposed to just accept it. You’re supposed to live with that.”
Odom says his drug habit escalated from there and that things got “dismal as hell” in his early 30s, as his basketball career also started to wind down. Though he doesn’t name names, he says his rock bottom was when his wife at the time walked in on him in a motel doing cocaine with another girl.
“I’m a millionaire,” he notes. “I’d made it out of Jamaica, Queens, and won two NBA titles. And I’m in a motel, with some random person, doing coke. But I just wanted to come by high with this girl, and I had no other residence to depart. I couldn’t recall her domestic. You know, I was being a scumbag. Nothing else I got for that. No excuses. No bulls**t. That’s just the truth.”
He fully acknowledges being unfaithful and his damaging actions at the time.
“That’s the thing people don’t understand,” he writes. “Anybody who’s lived a complicated, drug-infused life like I’ve lived knows the cycle — with women, cheating on my wife, sh** like that. Nights when I should gain been asleep. Nights when I stayed up sniffing coke. Lot of those nights. When your heart is beating quick. When you should know better. When you’re just riding that roller coaster, man.”
Fools to that. … You contemplate I wasn’t feeling shame? You contemplate I was blind to what I was doing? Nah, I wasn’t blind to it. Shame … pain. It’s share of the whole cycle. My brain was broken.”” data-reactid=”40″>”My di*k and my habit took me down entire the roads that you don’t ever wanna depart down,” he says bluntly. “A lot of distinguished men are fools to that. Fools to that. … You contemplate I wasn’t feeling shame? You contemplate I was blind to what I was doing? Nah, I wasn’t blind to it. Shame … pain. It’s share of the whole cycle. My brain was broken.”
Odom credits rehab and therapy with getting him to a much better residence these days. He’s also close with his children, 16-year-musty Lamar Jr. and 18-year-musty fate.
“I’m sober now. But it’s an everyday struggle,” he acknowledges. “I gain an addiction. I’ll always gain an addiction. It never goes absent. I mean, I want to come by high right now. But I know that I can’t whether I want to be here for my children.”
“Every morning when I wake up, I scrutinize at the same pictures,” he continues. “Pictures of people who are gone. My mother. My grandmother. My son Jayden. My best friend Jamie. People who are still here. My two resplendent kids. I just scrutinize at their faces for a few minutes, and it’s like a reminder of what life is supposed to be approximately. I feel warm. I feel an energy. I feel esteem. That sh** gets me through the day.”
WATCH: Lamar Odom Admits to ‘Multiple Affairs’ While Married to Khloe Kardashian — Women ‘Came Out of the Woodwork’” data-reactid=”44″>WATCH: Lamar Odom Admits to ‘Multiple Affairs’ While Married to Khloe Kardashian — Women ‘Came Out of the Woodwork’
ET’s Lauren Zima spoke with Odom at the Igo.live social media launch party at the Beverly Wilshire hotel on Wednesday night, where he said he was currently “in a distinguished residence right now.”
“I’m doing distinguished,” he said of his sobriety. “One day at a time.”
Odom also briefly talked approximately his relationship these days with ex-wife Khloe Kardashian and her famed, renowned family.
“I mean, it’s distant, but they’re always on my intellect and my heart,” he eminent.
posed with Blac Chyna at the event, and earlier this month, he talked to ET approximately Chyna’s legal drama with his former brother-in-law, Rob Kardashian, when we caught up with him at the Kids’ Choice Sports Awards in Los Angeles.” data-reactid=”49″>Odom posed with Blac Chyna at the event, and earlier this month, he talked to ET approximately Chyna’s legal drama with his former brother-in-law, Rob Kardashian, when we caught up with him at the Kids’ Choice Sports Awards in Los Angeles.